Friday, April 12, 2013

Love & Marriage - In Good Times and In Bad

It's week 2 of the Love & Marriage series.  Todays topic is In Good Times and In Bad.  Fortunately, I feel that Andrew and I went through a lot before we got married, so once we got married everything seemed like a piece of cake.  That is until we started to think about starting a family.  It seems as if no one ever talks about anyones struggles to start a family, but when it is you who is dealing with infertility, you seem to cross the paths of so many going through the same struggle and heartbreak.  Here is our story...

Andrew and I will have been married for 5 years in July.  It's been the best 5 years of my life!  Being married to him just easy.  But it hasn't come with out its hardships.  A couple of years ago, Andrew and I decided that we were ready to start a family.  I had this plan in my head of exactly when I wanted to have a baby and that was that.  It was going to happen just as I had planned.  I just knew it.  Boy was I WRONG.  What was I thinking?!? Things never go as planned.  Month after month I became more and more disappointed that I wasn't getting pregnant.  Then came April 2011.  That was the month that I miscarried. 

I never thought having a miscarriage was a big deal.  It was God's plan, (which I still believe).  It was a baby that wasn't meant/couldn't survive outside of the womb, and that was that.  Once again, I was WRONG.  Going through that was tough.  I was devastated.  It was emotionally draining on me and for a month, I had a constant reminder that I was losing a baby, our baby.  I was working a ton at the time and surrounded by people who were pregnant or had new babies.  I was happy for them, I really was, but I was also very jealous and depressed that I wasn't able to stay pregnant.  Andrew was great during that time, I don't think he really understood the emotional toll it took on me, but he was very supportive and tried to understand what I was going through.

We both longed to have a baby.  We were ready!  But it just wasn't in Gods plan yet.  Still month after month I was very disappointed and became even more depressed.  And every month it seemed that someone else was having a baby or becoming pregnant.  It was rough!  I found that I had to withdrawl myself from a lot of situations and people that I loved that were having babies, because that was all they understandably wanted to talk about.   And it wasn't because I didn't care about them or because I wasn't happy for them, but I had to protect myself from getting into a dark hole too deep to get out.  I blamed myself for all of it.  I quit running because I thought that may be the cause.  I must have bought every fertility book known to man, including supplements that were recommended.  I had my husband lay off the biking because I was worried it may be him, it wasn't.  But he did so without any hesitation.  He was my rock.  He spent countless hours and weekends with me watching movies and hanging out with just me, because he knew how hard it was for me to be around other people at the time.  He didn't complain about it one bit either.

In July 2011, I went for a yearly exam and discussed my frustrations with my doctor.  He told me if I wasn't pregnant in 6 months to call him.  That was a long 6 months.  6 months later he had me come in for an ultrasound, and we discussed our options.  I had a procedure done in December called an HSP where the insert dye into the uterus to make sure the fallopian tubes are open.  Since I had had a miscarriage he thought that maybe my tubes were blocked.  It was probably the worst 60 seconds of my life.  Talk about painful!  OMG.  But everything looked great.  My doctor told me to call him next month.  It was then that he decided to put me on Femara.  He had determined by the ultrasound that I needed the medication in order to ovulate.  With Femara and serial ultrasounds, I got pregnant that month!  February 9th remains one of the best days ever!

I know my struggle with infertility wasn't as bad or as long as most, I feel very blessed that my doctor was able to help us figure out the problem and "fix" it.  But it was still one of the hardest, emotionally draining experiences I have ever been though.  I feel that all along the way, Andrew felt the same pain as I was.  We longed to start a family so bad and it was so unbelievably hard to be around others who had no clue what we were experiencing or how we must feel.  But at the same time, we both relied on our faith to get us through.  I must have prayed this verse a million times.

   "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Matthew 21:22

Getting through it together was definately challenging.  We, well mostly me, had many moments of ups and downs.  We, due to my emotional state, secluded ourselves a lot.  It was tough.

Looking back now, I am so thankful that God decided to bless us with a baby when he did.  Hind sight 20/20 everything makes complete sense.  Going through what we went through and truly being ready to have a baby, I feel has made us appreciate the little things in life.  We have absolutely treasured the past 6 months with our beautiful little blessing.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't pray for her.  I thank God so much that he chose us to be her parents and for giving me Andrew, to be my partner through it all.  I think we make a pretty good team!  

There is a special place in my heart for those dealing with infertility.  It's a pain that not many understand.  I will continue to pray for those struggling to start a family and that God will bless them, as he has blessed us in so many ways. 

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