Going back to work...

Going back to work after maternity leave was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  EVER! I had the best 12 weeks with my sweet baby girl.  I am so lucky that she decided to make her appearance the day that I went on maternity leave, so I really got a full 12.5 weeks with her.  Before I had her, I told myself that I wasn't going to do anything but hold my baby during my time with her at home.  And my husband can promise you that I did just that.  I cherish that time I got to spend with her 24/7 more than anything.  The bond that we have developed is just incredible and I am so blessed that I was able to stay home with her that long.  I couldn't have done it without an understanding and supportive husband and for that I am so very thankful.

Those 12 weeks sure flew by!  They went way too fast.  It seems like just yesterday that I was being wheeled back for a c-section after 19 hours of labor.  I avoided the thought of going back to work for a long time...pretty much up until the night before.  We had arranged for her to attend a daycare near our work and then I never thought another thing about it.  Andrew also volunteered to stay home with her the first week I went back to make the transition a little easier for me. 

The night before I went back, I was a complete mess.  I couldn't stop the tears no matter how hard I tried.  How in the world was I going to leave my baby girl?  I think I woke up crying the next morning.  It was so so so hard.  I know she was in good hands, but I don't feel like anyone knows her quite like I do.  I know her cries, what she wants, when shes tired, when she is hungry, etc.  I am her mother, I should be the one taking care of her.  Leaving her with anyone else just didnt seem right and never will. 

The first week was a short one, only 3 days, thank goodness!  Andrew brought her up to work to see me every day which helped.  That week I saw a lot of sick kids with RSV/Flu...no bueno...especially since some of those kids went to the daycare we were going to take her to.  She was supposed to start the following week.  She didn't.  I had a COMPLETE meltdown about it.  My poor husband probably still thinks I am crazy about it.  Thankfully my mom was able to come watch her for a week so that I could "try" to mentally prepare myself for daycare.  How do you mentally prepare yourself to drop your most precious gift off with a complete stranger to take care of?  How??? 

I couldn't do it.  I still can't do it.  We were so blessed to have my mom come watch her last week and this week and next Andrews mom is watching her.  So thankful!! 

We are currently in the process of looking for a nanny to help out.  I don't know how I am going to do that either...but its better than risking her getting sick with the awfulness that this winter has brung with it.  The thought of her getting the flu or RSV terrifies me!  Probably because I am a pediatrician and know way too much...this is where my job really stinks!  I am so scared of her getting sick or anything else happening to her for that matter. 

I've been told going to work gets easier...it doesn't.  I am learning how to cope slowly, but it is never ever going to be easy to leave my baby in the care of someone else for 10 hours a day 5 days a week.  Never. 

She is a stubborn little girl...must get that from her daddy ;)  She absolutely hates taking the bottle.  She cries a lot when she is eating from it..poor baby.  It's so sad.  I just pray that we can find the right person to take care of her who will be patient with her and love her almost as much as we do.